How to Avoid getting into an Argument!
Whether it be confrontations between work colleagues, spouses, parents and children, or friends; we have all witnessed those uncomfortable moments when a seemingly well meant conversation unknowingly sparks into an argument …, and we all wish we could somehow know our way around how to never let such communication breakdowns occur.
There is good news, knowing few basic skills of expressing ourselves, can indeed lead to safer, closer bonds and avoid conflicting behaviors.
Let us first get apprised with three fundamental ideas around our basic tendencies and needs during communication and this shall help us understand better ,why sometimes some dialogues can break down and turn into arguments.
In any conversation,
*We usually talk because we think whatever we have to say is important enough to be conveyed.
*It is impossible to not communicate. Communication is the most fundamental behaviour for social existence and human relationship. Hence we all communicate, all the time.., though some forms of communication are more harmonious, easily understood and successful than others.
*Through communication, people try to fulfil an inherent emotional need of being understood by others, and this need of being understood is more valued by every person when compared to the need of being agreed with. If we feel misunderstood we will likely continue the conversation in an attempt to clarify our intent…
Concentration camp survivor Victor Frankl had said,
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Let’s have a look at few ways of how we can build on this power of choosing our response well while communicating , and do keep in mind the above three underlying principles of communication that often hold the clue to why sometimes there is a conflict like situation !
How to avoid arguments and communicate without being defensive or offensive:
1)Feel secure in who you Are - Being secure in yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself because you won't need to be validated by anyone else besides yourself. You're less likely to get defensive or hurt over something critical about yourself, when you know for sure that it's not true.You shall then have the ability to talk calmly without feeling like you have to defend yourself every minute.
2) Listen instead of retaliating: Genuinely listen to all of the points being talked of and see where they are coming from.
Watch out for any tendency towards strategizing or thinking about your next attack to defend yourself or offend the other person, because the less you try to protect your identity, the better you may feel.
3) Think Long-Term Instead Of Short-Term : Strategize your thinking so you can see the big picture and focus on long-term goals instead of trying to win the battle. Being impulsive with your emotions means you're only thinking about how you feel at the moment. Before arriving at any quick judgments, take a pause or a deep breath and try to pay close attention to the end-result of your actions.
4) Learn How To Receive Criticism: Without taking things too personally or getting hurt with negative thoughts, it’s important to listen and also remember the benefits of getting genuine feedback . You can always turn it around into a positive experience by picking up the learning and letting the negative feeling go.
5) Its okay to be wrong: There are those instances when you may realize that the other person just might be correct about what they are saying. Give yourself permission to be wrong, and also give that permission to others. Hopefully you will not feel the need to defend yourself over and over again, or hurl unfair accusations at others.
6) Don’t assume : Don’t assume that what you know is obvious to others. It wasn’t always obvious to you. Give everyone the benefit of doubt.
7.) Focus on indicators at the level of your own “feelings and emotions”. Try to understand the repeat patterns of your feelings to figure out when and why you behave argumentative.
Try to uncover the particular unfulfilled need at emotional level that you try to deal with by getting into an argument, and this awareness shall help you contemplate better, how you want your emotions to come across.
A regular reference to all these points and a conscious incorporating of these into regular communication can help you keep a watch before any conversation starts taking a turn towards the conflict mode. Remember, effective communication with others depends on successful communication within you… In your desire to be transparent to others, you must first be clear within yourself.
Thankyou for reading my post and I look forward to your comments !
Feel free to download an ebook that I have written to help you see the endless possibilities that Life has to offer ,
About the Author :
Namita is an Internationally Certified Success Coach, Career Stategist and Life Coach with ICF credentials .(International Coach Federation). She is also a Corporate Trainer, Writer and Speaker on a mission to help everyone unlock their infinite potential and build an extraordinary purposeful life.Her detailed professional profile can be viewed at